well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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