i don't like sucking hair
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
