it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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