Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
