I want to make a zoo with you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
