2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
