your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize