for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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