Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When are your genitals available?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
