Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
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Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.