Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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