Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I faked an abortion last night.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.