I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.