three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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