I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.