i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
