Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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