You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
