We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
