We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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