fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
