whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
