We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
