I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
