If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
