you're like a bully in the Christmas story
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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