I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
