Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
