My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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