Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
