I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
