Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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