When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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