we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
