I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
