Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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