You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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