I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
