today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
