I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
