She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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