Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
