She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
