I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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