I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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