I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
