I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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