i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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