We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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