I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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