I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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