What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
