I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
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Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars