I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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