Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
