I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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