Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
