OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I need to sanitize my soul.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
