I wish I only lived at night.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
