I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
