loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
