Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
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she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
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Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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