the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
