So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
