Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
