Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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